


Angel's rebuttal to Angelus

by Hello_Spikey



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-03
Updated: 2007-11-03
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hello_Spikey/pseuds/Hello_Spikey
Summary: Angel hits reply and, like a NEWB, quotes the whole message.





	Angel's rebuttal to Angelus

**Author's Note:**

> So I woke up at my desk, again, and that 'other' email account was open. Again.  
> First off, let me say: Angelus does not check email! He doesn't! I am in complete control, all the time, so whoever wrote this 'meme' is just trying to ruin my reputation and it's not going to work!
> 
> And Spike? Touch my Manilow and you'll be a permanent pedestrian. Not that you'll be able to walk.

_Scourge_of_Europe256@evol.com wrote:_  
1\. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.  
  
A flask of holy water - and the stupid soul actually believes it's for fighting evil, too  
  
What else would it be for? I carry that right next to a stake and a garrote and you aren't going to tell me THOSE have kinky uses. (Um... Just a sec, I need to write something down...)  
  
_2\. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?_  
  
Figure out a way to banish the goddamn soul for good  
  
Not going to happen. I'm the original occupant of this body, Angelus, and I'm the one who will banish you forever. (Um, not that you really wrote this or exist.)  
  
Someday I'll figure out a way to anchor my soul for good. I mean, if SPIKE can do it, how hard can it be?  
  
_3\. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?_  
  
Now why would I want to be anyone except myself? Think you're letting your own insecurities affect you there, Willie  
  
You've always wanted to be me. That's right, you heard me. You want the acceptance, the friends. Scourge of Europe's a lonely title and don't kid yourself that you didn't want companionship, an equal to share things with. Look how pathetic you got every time Darla ran off! I have people who like me for me, and not because I tie them up. Not that I... tie them up.  
  
_4\. What do you like to do in your bathroom?_  
  
None of your damn business, boy  
  
By which he means he spends most of the time powdering himself up to fit into those leather pants. (Why don't I throw those away?) Oh, and the hair products? Mostly his. And Spike calls ME a ponce.  
  
_5\. Which was your best kiss ever?_  
  
Did you actually turn into a woman when I wasn't around? This question's straight out of a chick flick!  
  
Says the evil guy who never gets kissed. See if you can search MY memories, chump. Little blond slayer, prom night, soft music, swaying, the lights running over us like fairies, and those warm, inviting lips, saying I love you forever and goodbye all at once... evil guys don't get that.  
  
_6\. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?_  
  
I've always thought screams blended particularly well with the Ave Maria  
  
Which goes to show evil has no taste. Religious music on a date? Manilow has been winning hearts for decades!  
  
_7\. Can you touch your toes?_  
  
Just so we're clear here - the soul might bend over for you, but I never will. Or do you need a repeat of the lesson I taught you in Marseilles?  
  
Ah, Marseilles.  
  
_8\. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?_  
  
That meddling little witch bitch. She's gonna pay - first on my list. And then the real fun starts  
  
Whereas I have cuffed you. And caged you. And made you watch me rescue puppies. So I guess I have no need to handcuff anyone.  
(Also I am forwarding this to Willow. That's the 'f' key, right? Good to know the scourge of europe is afraid of a girl!)  
  
_9\. What is your biggest regret and why?_  
  
Eating the damn gypsy! Or not eating her whole family afterwards...  
  
You and me both.  
Um... I mean, see? Again: evil is stupid. I would never have eaten a gypsy. Or a witch. Or anyone who could curse me for it. I mean, were you just not thinking?  
  
_10\. What is your kinkiest fantasy?_  
  
Mindfucking the goddamned soul until he quits listening to the guilt. And I nearly had him, too - just a little bit more and he would've been completely mine.  
  
What's this? Oh you mean that time I PRETENDED to be giving in to my dark side? That time? One of us is still a suppressed alter-ego, and the other of us is a CEO. Hrm... wonder who's winning.  
  
I have this fantasy where Angelus is separated from me, corporeal, and I get to do to him all the things he's done to others. Also, I get to see what my tattoo looks like.  
  
_11\. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?_  
  
I nearly did that Raven chick from TV a few years ago. Had her cornered and everything, was even gonna put her head on a pike so people would believe me, but the fucking White Hats had to come ruin my fun.  
  
Oh yeah, a TELEVISION celebrity. I guess that's the best you can do when you're only let out for an hour or two every other year. I'm having Harmony call up... um... someone who's very popular and pretty and well-known. Lorne can fill that in for me. That's the thing about being a CEO. You have people.  
  
_12\. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?_  
  
Hell, no!  
  
1782\. Darla's corset. The pink silk with straw boning? The blue garters. And a riding crop. Ringing bells?  
  
Now ME. No, never.  
  
_13\. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?_  
  
Been with? Jesus, you really are still a little sniveling Victorian prude at heart, aren't you? Just say fucked, boy! And of course I've fucked men, made them beg for more, too. My favorite was that virgin ass of yours - think Wesley's that tight? I'll have to let you know.  
  
Spike, back me up on this - never happened. Right? NEVER. See... I told you this wasn't Angelus. Just someone... messing around... on my private computer... that no one else can get to.  
  
Anyway. NOPE. Never with a guy, and certainly never with SPIKE. Even Angelus wasn't... um...  
  
Next question.  
  
_14\. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?_  
  
You ought to know the answer to this one. Or do you need a reminder? Maybe I need to have Buffy pay us a visit and show you what a real man can do to a woman... or let her watch her precious little champion squeal when I stick it to you... but that means putting up with the bitch, so forget it.  
  
Okay, this I'll admit to - I mean, it's true (unlike previous statements.) Vampires. Not shy. Can't say I'd mind being watched or videotaped even now. Then maybe people would stop with the eunuch comments.  
  
_15\. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?_  
  
Oh yeah. Just the thought of Dru, all chained and helpless, begging me to hurt her that little bit more... I may have to take a break here.  
  
See my answer to the handcuffing thing. And let me just say... Darla, that barn in Alsace? With the bridle and stirrups? Yeah, that was YOU, loser.  
  
  
_16\. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?_  
  
As much as I always liked hearing Dru call me Daddy, I think my favorite was when a certain blond used to call me Master. And the blood on your lips just made it all the prettier, too, Spikey.  
  
I kinda liked it when Lorne called you "Darth Vamp". Now if he could stop calling me pastries.  
  
  
_17\. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?_  
  
Let's see... alleys of London, altar of several churches, stables, carriages, Tsar's garden, gondola... nah, the craziest would have to be the mine shaft. Because I was absolutely out of my mind to bother fucking you when I should've just shoved that stick through your heart.  
  
The 'you' he's referring to is, um... Dru. See, Angelus is crazy. So any place he has sex is, by definition, a crazy place.  
  
_18\. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?_  
  
Now that's one stupid-ass question, and anyone who answers it should report for torture immediately.  
  
You're just jealous because you're the kettle corn in this psyche.  
  
_19\. What are your top 3 kinks?_  
  
Leather, power and mindfucks. Especially mindfucks.  
  
Being insane, blabbering on like an ego-maniac, and pants that leave your alter-ego with the chaffing, is more like it.  
Notice he doesn't mention that thing with Darla and her high-heels. Or the thing with churches. To this day I can't walk past St. Martin's without... um... feeling uncomfortable.  
  
_20\. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?_  
  
Why bother? I mean, blood's better lube than that shit you carry, and a good beating's the best foreplay there is  
  
Um... I actually agree with -Us on this. But I'm also not a raging slut like he is. Not that I'm a eunuch or anything. I just... I'm not into 'impromptu'. Planned is good. Planned and careful and not-soul-losing.  
  
(By the way, Spike? On the lube question - remember - touch my Manilow and find out.)


End file.
